Moved

To a more secure location.

Homework

This weeks homework is a few parter:

-meditate
-remember meditation as a form of rescue
-talk to your coworkers

I packed a lunch. It makes me nervous.

Dreams

Did good today.
Started thinking about all My dreams again. The things I wanted for Us as a Family.

And I got so happy. And everything seemed like it would be OK.

Izzie would have her tower room, not far from mine. The house would run on a slope, like an anthill, or the Louve, so that when I got old I wouldn't have to wrestle with the stairs.

I had it so mapped out, so perfect. I felt good enough to go into the garden and do some weeding.

And then I thought about you.  How you have my original drawings.  And how much you meant to me. And all of it was a fabrication.

I wished you love. And I wished you happiness. Despite what you did to me, I wished you health.

But there's this hole here that I cannot rectify.

I drew the originals so large because I knew we would need our own spaces. 

I thought sticking by you would make it happen. I really did.

I was so stupid. And that integral part of everything Id built up, the theory and parts are there, but the one I was building it for.

Hes gone. Maybe he was never there. Izzie will grow up, and move away--and ill be in this place that took me years to create. Without the one that inspired it. 

Goddamnit, it was worth it.

Today

I was really angry.

But it was a good, igniting anger instead of the kind that bogs you down.

I actually caught myself smiling with my lip to the side...like I remember doing when I was having a good time.

A facial expression came back.

Yay!

The Self in Concrete

This shit trips me out.

I have been told to stop trying to care for everything in order to avoid introspection. When Im being hyper-vigilant-- think about me First.

I protested and deflected and tried to change the subject. But she kept bringing it back around. 

You think too much.
But
About others.

Think. About. You.
What. Is. Best. For. You?

Why does that notion fill me with fear?

You know what

I don't fucking "got this"

Im falling apart.
Im crying at work months later.
She's lost everyone and the only reason im dangling by the tiny thread I have left is because I can't fathom the guilt that would be leaving her as well.

Ive asked for help
At every juncture
From every available avenue.

And there is nothing.

Maybe just not being ok is where im going to live for the rest of this turn around my life.

Maybe ill watch her pine for him forever. Because I can't make these pieces fit into something I can live with.

It all happened. And I replay it over and over again. Saying "why" , desperate to turn back the time, but knowing that wouldn't have stopped what is happening now.

How far back would I have had to go? In my past?  In his?  In ours?

All I wanted were daisies. To have the promises kept. To find a way. I laid the groundwork.  But the whole foundation was faulty. Castles built in the sand.

I started a memorial page.  To treat it like the death that this is. Away from eyes, but connected enough that it could be found.

Come back. Come back. Here,  the path. I cannot walk it for you, and every step here is on broken glass where I cannot find the ground.  Im trying--

Today

2 of wands
3 of swords
Strength

You got this
Yes, grieve
It will make you stronger.

Gross

You what's disgusting?

Listening to some dude talk shit about his ex wife thinking that, because ive got pepper spray, and have had to take time off work for court, its the path to my pussy.

No, Safety Crush. No.

Ive been on the other end of that.  My knee jerk reaction was to tell you what I thought of you and your shitty behavior in front of everyone.

Luckily, Im a lady. Ive learned that some people just aren't worth talking to.

ALWAYS listen to how a man talks about his ex. Because its a precursor to how hes going to treat you.

And again, its a side note reaffirming my commitment to permanent single hood. Safety Crush...lol...my foot.

Laugh therapy

So. I've been reading. Alot.

About how a laugh boosts your endorphins, even if its forced. And how the best way to start working towards getting back to the BASIC basics (before meditating), is to start forcing your endorphins back up again.

So I've been forcing myself to laugh. For an extended period. Even if I get scared, I laugh.

It comes with a lot of nausea.
And defiance.

I don't do it until the midget is fast asleep because if feels like waves and WAVES of oily death are being chuckled out of me.

But there is a LOT to laugh at.
I again feel optimistic- ish.

Oh, and safety crush declined his perceived date invite after a few days of me avoiding him. I did not want to have that conversation.

Why my stuff didn't work

Because there's nothing there. 

Mistake

Asked safety crush out to a playdate with his kids.

He thought I was asking him OUT out.

He said yes.

Yep. No longer having a good time.

Abort. Abort. Abort.

Up

None of my sigils are working.  Foolhardy. Disingenuous.

I might be a blithering idiot, and a complete fool, utterly crazy. But its not like that matters to anyone,  including me.

The pennies help.
Silly enough.

I hope all your dreams are choked on. People console me with promises of your doom. Its not a consolation.

Nothing is.
And that's how it will stay.

Almost there

Safety crush tried to make small talk with me yesterday.  And I tried so hard to be charming, and smile big...but im pretty sure that it didn't actually make it to my face.

And he gave me a big, glowy wave as I was leaving today. And I made sure I glowed right back.

Prolly looked maniacal...

We got done 2 hours early...was kinda hoping for an invite to coffee...but not actually because I'd have to turn him down and then this whole stupid little thing would stop being something I can look forward to. But he wasn't leaving until I was already in my car so...the fantasy is safe.

Aaaaand -- Im almost to the point where I can laugh at what a loser that fucker that left us is. And then I catch myself and I'm like "don't do it too loud because that asshole is crazy".

No recoiling panic attack with that thought though. 

Someday though, when everyone else is even more over me be afraid than I am, the thoughts are going to not have been there for years. And I'll find out that he died somewhere. 

And I'll be like "so what"

Until then, there's the safety crush.

Gonna read my book.

When I said "I do"

I meant it.

I looked at you.  Longer than you think I did. And I saw you. In all your complexity and fucked uppery. 

And I said "I do" 

And I knew that this could be coming.  Based on what you'd choose to do.

And I said "I do"

Because I believed in you.

I believed in your strength. And I believed in who you wanted to be.

Ive already said my goodbyes.  A thousand times.

I don't care anymore.

I said "I do"

I gave you that. That part of me. Its gone now. Its done now. You still have it--but its all out of me. And I never want to see you again.

Im done.

But I still believe in you.

Because I said "I do"

Safety crush

Oh yea...

I think the safety crush is flirting back?

But then I say things like "Im listening to a chaos magic podcast because its like the power of positive thought except they summon demons, so more interesting"

And then I walk away. I daren't look behind me at his facial expression because that is some not normal shit that just came out of my mouth.

A couple hours later he asks for help pulling his ropes.

I say ok.

And give no fucks.

Good-ish day

I have a bunch of emails to send after the kiddo goes to bed tomorrow.

My sister is sick as Fuck and Im worried about her...a lot alot.

Its all bullshit and Im not living like this anymore.  Was talking with my dad about safety planning and then I was like, no, Fuck this. Im NOT spending my life this afraid of some asshole. Im not watching my child cry, or crying myself because I still don't fucking get what the hell happened.

Im not.

Fuck everyone

And everything. 

Stopped eating when he left and went down to 130-ish pounds.

Started eating again 2 weeks ago.

And I look like a beached whale.

But Im like "whatever, fuck it".

I bought a journal so I could do whatever.

But its still I my back pack wrapped in plastic.

Trying to explain to her the death of someone still living.

How?
Why?

Mostly the why part

My face and arms are super pointy and my tummy is swollen. Completion is hosed from quitting smoking and menstruation and exhaustion.

But I meditate

Fuck this.

Fuck everyone.

Fuck you.

Oh yea

Dreamed about going to mutual fish company for Izzies shark. It was $64.37 a pound, but $34.67 on sale. It was not on sale so i got 1/2 a pound and wanted them to not include any bones in my weighing.

Try agreed and asked for my library card.

Thinking

Thinking about the link between psychopathy and empathy. Not in the "one feeds off the other" way that most articles talk about--because how does an empath pick up on emotions that legitimately are not there in a psychopath?  Most of it is just finger-pointing and victimhood. There MUST be a similarity between the two for there to be a base attraction.

What about sadists? Are they just empathic masochists?

And where on the spectrum does the line lie between self-reflection and narcissism?

Therapy on Tuesday. I fear that Im going to give the woman the wrong impression of me.

I am so mad at you

Who the fuck asks a woman to babysit on mothers day?

After hosting a Saturday night slumber party?

You clueless asshole.

You better be thankful I have this blog...

Today

Woke up feeling terrible and depressed. 

Convinced I was going to have a bad day.

But then, it wasn't so bad.

I eulogized him.
I read some articles. 
I missed an excellent opportunity to hit on the person I've placed in the "safe crush" zone.

Then I remembered about my intake stuff.

You know, because all those things that happened. 

And I was like

Fuuuuuuuuck. 

Lol.

The guy I normally walk up with walked with another person.

So I concentrated on my breath and not thinking about anything else.

Little. By. Little.

Blah

Im done being made small to accomidate the projections of other peoples shortcomings.

Done. Done. Done.

Huh

Lol. Realizing that I have a "crush" on someone is a trip. Particularly, what constitutes a "crush" for me.

The nervous desire. The butterflies.  Looking forward to their presence-- its all there. Every aspect that would make this person my "crush" is wrapped up in my interactions with them. 

The funny part of the scenario is that I don't actually want anything except that small-talk level of conversation. Because everything else is absent, I feel safe.

No vulture behavior. No "I'm here to support you". No seeking me out to say hello. Not avoiding me, or  holding me at arms length because the "I'm going through some crazy bullshit" approach. That's it. And its invigorating to me. Fantastic! 

Damn. I really like being able to feel that. Its a relief. I'm not dead. There is hope. I'm small. Just like this silly thing. But I'm here. And its great.

Ok

Cute Facebook post.

Yea. Children do need their fathers.
So step up and be one.

But what they don't need is abusive, self-absorbed assholes that think they're entitled to threaten and abuse and terrify the mother. And then still expect to be catered to?  What kind of mother would I be to deliver my child, the one who looks to me as her rock and her support (why? Because Ive made it clear multiple times that what you've done to me is WRONG. Its abusive and its not acceptable.  Oh...and that whole last year that you were in jail because, you know, preying on women...but we were there for you despite it...yea, the only relationship you've had with your child is because I've been the one to facilitate it) onto the hands of a sadist that gets his mastabatory kicks by hurting people--especially if they're deemed by that person to be "less than" himself, namely women and children?

I am NOT less than you. And I made myself VERY clear, before I came back--the bad times are OVER. I take care of our daughter. I pay the bills, ALONE. I make sure she gets to the dr. I make sure she is clean and fed and clothed. I am the one that makes her childhood a happy one. What have you brought BESIDES misery and abscense and betrayl?

And I'm 100% certain that every legal body in the world will agree with me based on the shit you've pulled. You're a jackass who needs to pull his head OUT of his ass and quit thinking that Facebook is a legitimate stage for yourself.

You should be embarrassed.

AND--that study is being quoted in that article as humor. HUMOR. Children misbehave when their primary caretaker shows up because they feel safer expressing their emotions with that primary caretaker present. AND Studies have ACTUALLY shown that an abusive relationship is NOT in the best interest in the child. Children who witness it, or are subjected to it have incredible difficulties throughout their development and all the way into adulthood. BUT the courts are still so behind the times as far as research  and precedent is concerned that if you'd bothered to show up to either of the TWO custody hearings to answer for the things you've done, you'd have a firmer grip on what your parental role is.

That must be some delicious pussy to trade your daughter for it. You didn't even show up???

Omg--your dead beat bullshit is so showing through, it's ridiculous. I ESPECIALLY loved the family photo where I'm photoshopped out as the only recent picture of you with your damned daughter. The rest are baby pics...

You left us, Asshole.
You refuse to spend time with your child, you fucking creep.
You write songs, record, and publish them about having sex with your child.
It's disgusting.
You gushed to me about how you got soups because so-and-so just likes the young white boys. And you think I don't goddamned know??
I saw your ads on rentmen. And, yea, the court saw them too.

I know.

You sideways, dumb mother-fucker.

Do you hear how my brain is exploding?

And still--

In the parenting plan--that you haven't even bothered to respond to--there are provisions laid out for you to take an active role in your child's life. I have ZERO contact with you. For a good reason. You. Need. Professional. Intervention. And I have only shown myself to be an enabler. So I'm not continuing the cycle.

You think I'm going to hand you unrestricted access to abuse me, and hurt me, however you feel like you're justified to just because you feel like you're entitled to it???  I know you're three ways from sideways...but this is ridiculous.

I am not responsible for the hole you have dug for yourself. And my offer of help does not give you the right to come after me and hurt me because I offered that help.

You fucking lied to me.
You lied to your child.

Who buys your nonsense?  That 20 year old you fucked?  The new chick?  Do you even tell the truth to anyone?  Is anyone that's listening to you NOT a complete moron?  You get rid of anyone that tries to talk sense into your stupid ass--including your own family...just, oh. My. God.

I did everything in my capability to help you. And I did so SO you could be a member of our family. The secrets I know, yea, I told them. Because you need to get control of yourself. And the reasons I'm doing what I'm doing are based upon those secrets. And if the ones I told arent enough, Ive got more. And you KNEW that my support and facilitation of your relationship with your daughter was based upon you getting help. When you treat another person like your personal soul toilet, they know your shit...and that deserves more respect and kindness than the deliberate cruelty you've shown me.

Not blame. Nor violence.
Or retribution because you think I'm going to take it.

I'm not
I'm. NOT.

You left us devastated.
And afraid.
The core of who I am, and how I view life is fundamentally shaken.

If I saw you today, would it be a "kind" form of you?  If so, whats the angle? Or would you be here to kill me?  Would you hurt her?  I spend nights wishing you would knock on the door and then cursing myself because I know that you will never stop what you've done. If you come here...

Just stay the hell away from us.

And while I'm struggling to figure out how the things I cherished most about myself were the things that perpetuated the abuse I endured, while my child was formulating her most basic ideas of how men and women intetact-- I'm still trying to put that all aside to help her through the loss of her father. Because she's a child. And she loves you. Because I gave YOU that space in her life.  That's is what I did to hurt my daughter.

And still would have continued to hurt her.

But YOU left US.
You left HER.

Thank Fucking Jesus!

I hope you chew the skin off your fingers for the shame of what you've become.

But, hey--

The Right choice is not often the most easy.
Nor is the Right thing to do the most self-preserving.
But, if you want to be a good person, you DO the right thing.

You Step Up.
You honor your Obligations.
Keep your Promises.
And Fuck-All to the damage incurred.

I went through the fires for you.
And for her.

I am completely fucked up.
But my conscience is clear.

The first time

Just now.

The first time I thought of you without being overcome with grief and fear.

I'm searching in me to find it.

I daren't get up, in case it comes back.

Drop dead. I will forget you.

Mother.

Bath of salt lemon rosemary lavender.
White blue and yellow candles.

Sage.
Mirror scry.

Bath.

Get off me
Get away from me
You don't belong here

From my heart down.
Birth given to black.

I think of my dead aloe being pushed away.

Get off me
Get away from me
You don't belong here.

White wax in the water.
Tea and a shower.

White.
Yellow
Purple.

Blackish Green burned and washes away.

I banish the shadow over me.

"Fuck off"

Withdraw, fearful and surprised that I addressed so directly.

Go Away.

More sage.

My daughter has to pee
A kiss on her head

Saturn in my teacup.

The prayer is over.

Im sick

I'm sick of being scared.
I'm sick of not understanding what happened--

I'm sick of being angry at the people that werent there when you needed them.  The ones that let your daughter and I do the heavy lifting of being there for you.  And then snickered when you turned your back on us.

Why???

I'm sick of wanting to see you walk through the door.

I'm sick of thinking that, if you do walk through the door, you're here to hurt me.

Why?

She cried out yesterday that she wanted to see you. And she wanted to know when you would be better.

Why did you do this to us?

You stupid, selfish, crazy asshole.

I'm so sick of thinking about you.
It's useless.

Thinking about myself is a bitter consolation prize.

4.18.16. Egg cleansing/reading

Accidentally blew my yolk into my bowl...

One dark spot that looks like a lions face.

One white string that looks like a monster,or a walrus

One cluster of whitea that looks like a snake about to strike.

One more wisp that is indistinguishable as a shape close to me.

Some bubbles near the snake.

Ok...I guess I'll practice not breaking my yolks from now on...

Ugh.

4.17.16

Elephant
Seahorse
Bell

-a barrier exists that could be the elephant's trunk separating the seahorse from the elephant and the bell.

Have patience. A visitor or message is coming. Good things will come, but listen very closely and keep your emotions in check.

Indulge more and be happy. Paternal parenting, message possibly comes from someone born under the sign of cancer.

Im thankful that he left.

Because I never would have.

I would continue to stay, in any capacity, to try and prove that I was unfazed by the insurmountable odds.  Because I made a promise.

I am terminally tenacious.
And enjoy a challenge.
The perpetual frog in the saucepan.

Nothing would have ever been enough
Nothing would quell him
And there is NO stopping him

And he knows that...

His last threats, they were Real.

Surgery

The love I set forth
With my intention.

Went septic.
Bound in fetid death.

I saw you
The back of your head -- a stretcher on Sunday.

Wheeled past me.

And I started cleaning.

I scrubbed and I sang.

Smudged every window and door with song and salt.

Marital bed, scrubbed away.

Then I went to work.

A bed of rosemary lemon and salt.
A deep breath
Took my love from the chalice I bound it up in. Held the stinking thing in my hand long enough to cut it loose. 

I sang your song to it and laid the whole thing to rest on a picture of Bliss.

Outside then
And set it alight.

When it was time, and we were both ash. The love at the center black with salt and wax-- I doused the whole thing in the sink.

It exploded.
To me, that is a sign.

I packed the wound and bound it back up in gauze and white and black.

I ate lemon and planted the seeds directly from my mouth before burying the shards in the garden. The blood on my hands went on the Shovel. Scrubbed into the dirt.

My cleansing is not completed.
And this is not a gift.
I'll no longer look for you.
Water = death.

I will take the tomb, when the time is right, and bury it in the sky.

I hope the cleaning finds you;
Goodbye.

Beautiful Day

Today is the kind of day that you should have been with us to see.

Everything I promised you. It's here. Hand over fist, I'm reaping big bouyant handfuls of joy.

But in the back of my mind to the front

Why?

I heard your song, and it plays in my head.

Did you leave because it was a final act of kindness?

Are you gone because there's easier prey to be had?

I know what I did to you.

I stayed.
And we were there.
Through it all.

Every night and every Sunday.
Through the worst.

I watched you spit roasted and heard the applause. I bore witness.

And though what you did to them was also done to me--

I stayed with you.
To get you through it all.

Intact.

Thing is--

I can't put back together what you tear off yourself.

-----------------

My anger some days is blinding.
My grief is all that I have to comfort after she's gone to bed.

I swim in it sometimes
Because I don't want to understand.

You were made for better.

----------------

I didn't do what I did to entrap you.
You do not belong to me and never did.
Weve been through a lot together.
And that deserves acknowledgement.

What I wanted was kindness.
Because that's what I chose to give.
And that is what I wanted.

We are the ones for you.
Family. The ties that bind.
Together or Separate.
Your place is still here.

But until you're brave enough to see it--

I can't enable your cruelty.
That is where it's my fault too.

No more chances.

You have to get it right.

Your past can't catch you if you keep thinking about tomorrow.

I can't breathe with you so angry

Are you gone?
Or just waiting?

Biding your time?

Strategizing the way to make me feel what you think I deserve?

What I did to you?

This is Terror.

Why didn't you show up for her?
And why did you blame me?

Flip a little bullshit in the air, making excuses
And then just disappear?

I hear you--
And I understand
But still, how could you?

I don't want to get over this.
And I don't want to remember.

I'm sick.
Hurtling through panic attacks
My face to the wall at work so no one sees.

Please

I don't want any one

Talking to your sister today helped. But not really.

I got used.
I let my daughter get used.

I did it.

And I let people who gave no fucks about us have more head and heart space than I should have.

And that won't stop until I do.

It is going to suck when I have the callousness to hurt and use for my benefit too. When I no longer view self-interest as something to be unlooked at, unwanted, ignored.

I deliberately obfuscated the forest for the trees. Believed the lies when reading between the lines despite the writing on the wall because you told me to.

Because that's what made it work for you.

I just don't want to be this way anymore.
I don't like thinking like this anymore.

Everything is currency.
Exchanged on the body.

But I don't want it.

Now what?

The rage will not go away

I try to sit with it. Pull little pieces out and examine them bit by bit.

I have oodles to look through.

Things you said. Things I did.
Conversations and text messages. Emails.

Fuck you.

I'm abhorred. It's abhorrent.

On our side--

A life of beauty. Gardens. Sun. Dinners and our daughters laughter. We stood by--through the darkest times. And the goods that were promised, they were delivered. I revel in them now.

On yours--

I found the rest of that email thread. Where I declined. Where I stayed true. Again--promises made. And delivered. It's ready to file, with everything else--

All your fucking lies.
Deliberate.

Why?

You have ruined. So much. And you were not worth it.

All my tears.
That still fall.

I fulfilled my obligations.

You weren't looking for safety.
And you never wanted to be a father.

Just pay lip service.

I hope that you kill her. The one you ran to.
With your hands, or a disease you pick up.

I know you.

And I know who you could have been.
And the weakness you succumb to.

Why?

Coward.

No Show

You are a ghost.
Already gone.

All the cracks you've run from.
I saw them all.
I loved them all.
Despite it all.
Because I am not a coward.

This moment, from your shaking hands to mine.
Look at them.
Scars of what you've done.
And who you're really hurting.

The detritus.
You broke off yourself.
With a soul full of rubble.
My solace comes with the asking--

Are you happy?

Don't come back.
I have chosen who I will be.
A sentinel against your wreckage
And I will not stop

You are a ghost. 
And I am the only one who is haunted.

Untitled.

There's nothing to see here.

And I've let the people that can get the balls in motion know what was done to me.

I'm not going to forget.

Never.

But I am going to get better.

The Sadists Revenge

I hate you.

Not for what you've done to me. Our family. Who knows how many other women?

I hate what you have decided to become. 
The house we would build together.
The old age stares and The life well lived.
Wasted.

For transactional sex acts and Charles Bukowski.

Deliberately.

Why?
She asked you to stay forever.
And all you gave was silence.

Now--

I don't want the rage to build. Or take over. I don't want to feel justified.
Or shake my head, shrug my shoulders.
Or even watch you get better without us.

How dare you--

I want to cry over your corpse. And scream. Tear my hair and be dragged from the spot. Pound on your empty chest and finally feel like I was resonating in your heart.

I want the world to see me torn up over your failures as a person. And I want that viewing to be profound. 

Fuck everyone that believes your lies. You kept me like a secret. Conducted an investigation and trial in which I had no voice. 

Why?

All the hope I had in you.

Was a lie I told to myself.

You knew he was abusive.

I don't understand the malicious thrill of destroying a family.

But remember, Bitch

When his hands are around your neck, or he's inside you even though you said 'no'--

Homewrecking is its own reward.

The Altruistic Devil

Washington : Washington

You're the one killing this.

I'm the corpse. Floating face up fighting tunnel vision finality holding to the warmth of the sun on my face.
How could all our dreams die in resuscitation?

Why?

Did the nightmares become reality the minute I shoved them all aside and dared to hope for the happy ending?

All I want is a truce. But that's the death drive in me.
Its rotten. A fetid memory.

He will never stop. And he will never be sorry.
There are soft things at stake that shouldn't be broken.

This summer, while I drown in the heat of the sun,
I won't stop swinging.
I know what I am killing--

Everything that I hoped for.
Everything that I loved.

These dreams die to save Us.
I shouldn't love the one I Fear.
But I do.

And Love shouldn't be twisted to retribution.
And a Mercy Killing is still Murder.

But for the sake of my Love,
For my dreams, and for the next Sun,
I am not a coward.

I will end it.