Huh

Lol. Realizing that I have a "crush" on someone is a trip. Particularly, what constitutes a "crush" for me.

The nervous desire. The butterflies.  Looking forward to their presence-- its all there. Every aspect that would make this person my "crush" is wrapped up in my interactions with them. 

The funny part of the scenario is that I don't actually want anything except that small-talk level of conversation. Because everything else is absent, I feel safe.

No vulture behavior. No "I'm here to support you". No seeking me out to say hello. Not avoiding me, or  holding me at arms length because the "I'm going through some crazy bullshit" approach. That's it. And its invigorating to me. Fantastic! 

Damn. I really like being able to feel that. Its a relief. I'm not dead. There is hope. I'm small. Just like this silly thing. But I'm here. And its great.

Ok

Cute Facebook post.

Yea. Children do need their fathers.
So step up and be one.

But what they don't need is abusive, self-absorbed assholes that think they're entitled to threaten and abuse and terrify the mother. And then still expect to be catered to?  What kind of mother would I be to deliver my child, the one who looks to me as her rock and her support (why? Because Ive made it clear multiple times that what you've done to me is WRONG. Its abusive and its not acceptable.  Oh...and that whole last year that you were in jail because, you know, preying on women...but we were there for you despite it...yea, the only relationship you've had with your child is because I've been the one to facilitate it) onto the hands of a sadist that gets his mastabatory kicks by hurting people--especially if they're deemed by that person to be "less than" himself, namely women and children?

I am NOT less than you. And I made myself VERY clear, before I came back--the bad times are OVER. I take care of our daughter. I pay the bills, ALONE. I make sure she gets to the dr. I make sure she is clean and fed and clothed. I am the one that makes her childhood a happy one. What have you brought BESIDES misery and abscense and betrayl?

And I'm 100% certain that every legal body in the world will agree with me based on the shit you've pulled. You're a jackass who needs to pull his head OUT of his ass and quit thinking that Facebook is a legitimate stage for yourself.

You should be embarrassed.

AND--that study is being quoted in that article as humor. HUMOR. Children misbehave when their primary caretaker shows up because they feel safer expressing their emotions with that primary caretaker present. AND Studies have ACTUALLY shown that an abusive relationship is NOT in the best interest in the child. Children who witness it, or are subjected to it have incredible difficulties throughout their development and all the way into adulthood. BUT the courts are still so behind the times as far as research  and precedent is concerned that if you'd bothered to show up to either of the TWO custody hearings to answer for the things you've done, you'd have a firmer grip on what your parental role is.

That must be some delicious pussy to trade your daughter for it. You didn't even show up???

Omg--your dead beat bullshit is so showing through, it's ridiculous. I ESPECIALLY loved the family photo where I'm photoshopped out as the only recent picture of you with your damned daughter. The rest are baby pics...

You left us, Asshole.
You refuse to spend time with your child, you fucking creep.
You write songs, record, and publish them about having sex with your child.
It's disgusting.
You gushed to me about how you got soups because so-and-so just likes the young white boys. And you think I don't goddamned know??
I saw your ads on rentmen. And, yea, the court saw them too.

I know.

You sideways, dumb mother-fucker.

Do you hear how my brain is exploding?

And still--

In the parenting plan--that you haven't even bothered to respond to--there are provisions laid out for you to take an active role in your child's life. I have ZERO contact with you. For a good reason. You. Need. Professional. Intervention. And I have only shown myself to be an enabler. So I'm not continuing the cycle.

You think I'm going to hand you unrestricted access to abuse me, and hurt me, however you feel like you're justified to just because you feel like you're entitled to it???  I know you're three ways from sideways...but this is ridiculous.

I am not responsible for the hole you have dug for yourself. And my offer of help does not give you the right to come after me and hurt me because I offered that help.

You fucking lied to me.
You lied to your child.

Who buys your nonsense?  That 20 year old you fucked?  The new chick?  Do you even tell the truth to anyone?  Is anyone that's listening to you NOT a complete moron?  You get rid of anyone that tries to talk sense into your stupid ass--including your own family...just, oh. My. God.

I did everything in my capability to help you. And I did so SO you could be a member of our family. The secrets I know, yea, I told them. Because you need to get control of yourself. And the reasons I'm doing what I'm doing are based upon those secrets. And if the ones I told arent enough, Ive got more. And you KNEW that my support and facilitation of your relationship with your daughter was based upon you getting help. When you treat another person like your personal soul toilet, they know your shit...and that deserves more respect and kindness than the deliberate cruelty you've shown me.

Not blame. Nor violence.
Or retribution because you think I'm going to take it.

I'm not
I'm. NOT.

You left us devastated.
And afraid.
The core of who I am, and how I view life is fundamentally shaken.

If I saw you today, would it be a "kind" form of you?  If so, whats the angle? Or would you be here to kill me?  Would you hurt her?  I spend nights wishing you would knock on the door and then cursing myself because I know that you will never stop what you've done. If you come here...

Just stay the hell away from us.

And while I'm struggling to figure out how the things I cherished most about myself were the things that perpetuated the abuse I endured, while my child was formulating her most basic ideas of how men and women intetact-- I'm still trying to put that all aside to help her through the loss of her father. Because she's a child. And she loves you. Because I gave YOU that space in her life.  That's is what I did to hurt my daughter.

And still would have continued to hurt her.

But YOU left US.
You left HER.

Thank Fucking Jesus!

I hope you chew the skin off your fingers for the shame of what you've become.

But, hey--

The Right choice is not often the most easy.
Nor is the Right thing to do the most self-preserving.
But, if you want to be a good person, you DO the right thing.

You Step Up.
You honor your Obligations.
Keep your Promises.
And Fuck-All to the damage incurred.

I went through the fires for you.
And for her.

I am completely fucked up.
But my conscience is clear.

The first time

Just now.

The first time I thought of you without being overcome with grief and fear.

I'm searching in me to find it.

I daren't get up, in case it comes back.

Drop dead. I will forget you.

Mother.

Bath of salt lemon rosemary lavender.
White blue and yellow candles.

Sage.
Mirror scry.

Bath.

Get off me
Get away from me
You don't belong here

From my heart down.
Birth given to black.

I think of my dead aloe being pushed away.

Get off me
Get away from me
You don't belong here.

White wax in the water.
Tea and a shower.

White.
Yellow
Purple.

Blackish Green burned and washes away.

I banish the shadow over me.

"Fuck off"

Withdraw, fearful and surprised that I addressed so directly.

Go Away.

More sage.

My daughter has to pee
A kiss on her head

Saturn in my teacup.

The prayer is over.

Im sick

I'm sick of being scared.
I'm sick of not understanding what happened--

I'm sick of being angry at the people that werent there when you needed them.  The ones that let your daughter and I do the heavy lifting of being there for you.  And then snickered when you turned your back on us.

Why???

I'm sick of wanting to see you walk through the door.

I'm sick of thinking that, if you do walk through the door, you're here to hurt me.

Why?

She cried out yesterday that she wanted to see you. And she wanted to know when you would be better.

Why did you do this to us?

You stupid, selfish, crazy asshole.

I'm so sick of thinking about you.
It's useless.

Thinking about myself is a bitter consolation prize.

4.18.16. Egg cleansing/reading

Accidentally blew my yolk into my bowl...

One dark spot that looks like a lions face.

One white string that looks like a monster,or a walrus

One cluster of whitea that looks like a snake about to strike.

One more wisp that is indistinguishable as a shape close to me.

Some bubbles near the snake.

Ok...I guess I'll practice not breaking my yolks from now on...

Ugh.

4.17.16

Elephant
Seahorse
Bell

-a barrier exists that could be the elephant's trunk separating the seahorse from the elephant and the bell.

Have patience. A visitor or message is coming. Good things will come, but listen very closely and keep your emotions in check.

Indulge more and be happy. Paternal parenting, message possibly comes from someone born under the sign of cancer.

Im thankful that he left.

Because I never would have.

I would continue to stay, in any capacity, to try and prove that I was unfazed by the insurmountable odds.  Because I made a promise.

I am terminally tenacious.
And enjoy a challenge.
The perpetual frog in the saucepan.

Nothing would have ever been enough
Nothing would quell him
And there is NO stopping him

And he knows that...

His last threats, they were Real.

Surgery

The love I set forth
With my intention.

Went septic.
Bound in fetid death.

I saw you
The back of your head -- a stretcher on Sunday.

Wheeled past me.

And I started cleaning.

I scrubbed and I sang.

Smudged every window and door with song and salt.

Marital bed, scrubbed away.

Then I went to work.

A bed of rosemary lemon and salt.
A deep breath
Took my love from the chalice I bound it up in. Held the stinking thing in my hand long enough to cut it loose. 

I sang your song to it and laid the whole thing to rest on a picture of Bliss.

Outside then
And set it alight.

When it was time, and we were both ash. The love at the center black with salt and wax-- I doused the whole thing in the sink.

It exploded.
To me, that is a sign.

I packed the wound and bound it back up in gauze and white and black.

I ate lemon and planted the seeds directly from my mouth before burying the shards in the garden. The blood on my hands went on the Shovel. Scrubbed into the dirt.

My cleansing is not completed.
And this is not a gift.
I'll no longer look for you.
Water = death.

I will take the tomb, when the time is right, and bury it in the sky.

I hope the cleaning finds you;
Goodbye.

Beautiful Day

Today is the kind of day that you should have been with us to see.

Everything I promised you. It's here. Hand over fist, I'm reaping big bouyant handfuls of joy.

But in the back of my mind to the front

Why?

I heard your song, and it plays in my head.

Did you leave because it was a final act of kindness?

Are you gone because there's easier prey to be had?

I know what I did to you.

I stayed.
And we were there.
Through it all.

Every night and every Sunday.
Through the worst.

I watched you spit roasted and heard the applause. I bore witness.

And though what you did to them was also done to me--

I stayed with you.
To get you through it all.

Intact.

Thing is--

I can't put back together what you tear off yourself.

-----------------

My anger some days is blinding.
My grief is all that I have to comfort after she's gone to bed.

I swim in it sometimes
Because I don't want to understand.

You were made for better.

----------------

I didn't do what I did to entrap you.
You do not belong to me and never did.
Weve been through a lot together.
And that deserves acknowledgement.

What I wanted was kindness.
Because that's what I chose to give.
And that is what I wanted.

We are the ones for you.
Family. The ties that bind.
Together or Separate.
Your place is still here.

But until you're brave enough to see it--

I can't enable your cruelty.
That is where it's my fault too.

No more chances.

You have to get it right.

Your past can't catch you if you keep thinking about tomorrow.

I can't breathe with you so angry

Are you gone?
Or just waiting?

Biding your time?

Strategizing the way to make me feel what you think I deserve?

What I did to you?

This is Terror.

Why didn't you show up for her?
And why did you blame me?

Flip a little bullshit in the air, making excuses
And then just disappear?

I hear you--
And I understand
But still, how could you?

I don't want to get over this.
And I don't want to remember.

I'm sick.
Hurtling through panic attacks
My face to the wall at work so no one sees.

Please

I don't want any one

Talking to your sister today helped. But not really.

I got used.
I let my daughter get used.

I did it.

And I let people who gave no fucks about us have more head and heart space than I should have.

And that won't stop until I do.

It is going to suck when I have the callousness to hurt and use for my benefit too. When I no longer view self-interest as something to be unlooked at, unwanted, ignored.

I deliberately obfuscated the forest for the trees. Believed the lies when reading between the lines despite the writing on the wall because you told me to.

Because that's what made it work for you.

I just don't want to be this way anymore.
I don't like thinking like this anymore.

Everything is currency.
Exchanged on the body.

But I don't want it.

Now what?

The rage will not go away

I try to sit with it. Pull little pieces out and examine them bit by bit.

I have oodles to look through.

Things you said. Things I did.
Conversations and text messages. Emails.

Fuck you.

I'm abhorred. It's abhorrent.

On our side--

A life of beauty. Gardens. Sun. Dinners and our daughters laughter. We stood by--through the darkest times. And the goods that were promised, they were delivered. I revel in them now.

On yours--

I found the rest of that email thread. Where I declined. Where I stayed true. Again--promises made. And delivered. It's ready to file, with everything else--

All your fucking lies.
Deliberate.

Why?

You have ruined. So much. And you were not worth it.

All my tears.
That still fall.

I fulfilled my obligations.

You weren't looking for safety.
And you never wanted to be a father.

Just pay lip service.

I hope that you kill her. The one you ran to.
With your hands, or a disease you pick up.

I know you.

And I know who you could have been.
And the weakness you succumb to.

Why?

Coward.

No Show

You are a ghost.
Already gone.

All the cracks you've run from.
I saw them all.
I loved them all.
Despite it all.
Because I am not a coward.

This moment, from your shaking hands to mine.
Look at them.
Scars of what you've done.
And who you're really hurting.

The detritus.
You broke off yourself.
With a soul full of rubble.
My solace comes with the asking--

Are you happy?

Don't come back.
I have chosen who I will be.
A sentinel against your wreckage
And I will not stop

You are a ghost. 
And I am the only one who is haunted.