I offered time and it was declined. He is working.
In a better world, I'd have bundled her up after class and driven by-- cupcakes and appropriately small gift in hand to sing happy birthday.
In a better world, I wouldn't have to leave my husband because he won't stop being scary crazy/cruel/ect.
So now, I just feel like a complete asshole.
Nothing mattered to me regarding birthdays and holidays until she came along--and now, I want to imprint all the excitement and joys of childhood onto her. I want her to celebrate. I want her to have a family. A happy one. A strong one.
It's kinda hard to celebrate with a Protection Order. It's kinda awkward to smile against sullen glares and cold shoulders. It's kinda completely stupid that this is a holiday I'm having a difficult time with.
I left. I wanted to leave. Desperately. I schemed not once, twice--THREE times to get to the place I am now. I failed alone. I failed in the shelter. Now, I have friends--that are expending more effort than I would have ever asked of anyone. And--I am happy-er. And she sees me happy. And she is happier for it.
Someday there will be birthdays in the family she belongs to. And we will celebrate. Without complications. Or forced distances/separations. Until then--I guess I'll just feel like a cruel bitch and tell my quiet blog about my first world problems.
Goddamnit!
