Mistake

Asked safety crush out to a playdate with his kids.

He thought I was asking him OUT out.

He said yes.

Yep. No longer having a good time.

Abort. Abort. Abort.

Up

None of my sigils are working.  Foolhardy. Disingenuous.

I might be a blithering idiot, and a complete fool, utterly crazy. But its not like that matters to anyone,  including me.

The pennies help.
Silly enough.

I hope all your dreams are choked on. People console me with promises of your doom. Its not a consolation.

Nothing is.
And that's how it will stay.

Almost there

Safety crush tried to make small talk with me yesterday.  And I tried so hard to be charming, and smile big...but im pretty sure that it didn't actually make it to my face.

And he gave me a big, glowy wave as I was leaving today. And I made sure I glowed right back.

Prolly looked maniacal...

We got done 2 hours early...was kinda hoping for an invite to coffee...but not actually because I'd have to turn him down and then this whole stupid little thing would stop being something I can look forward to. But he wasn't leaving until I was already in my car so...the fantasy is safe.

Aaaaand -- Im almost to the point where I can laugh at what a loser that fucker that left us is. And then I catch myself and I'm like "don't do it too loud because that asshole is crazy".

No recoiling panic attack with that thought though. 

Someday though, when everyone else is even more over me be afraid than I am, the thoughts are going to not have been there for years. And I'll find out that he died somewhere. 

And I'll be like "so what"

Until then, there's the safety crush.

Gonna read my book.

When I said "I do"

I meant it.

I looked at you.  Longer than you think I did. And I saw you. In all your complexity and fucked uppery. 

And I said "I do" 

And I knew that this could be coming.  Based on what you'd choose to do.

And I said "I do"

Because I believed in you.

I believed in your strength. And I believed in who you wanted to be.

Ive already said my goodbyes.  A thousand times.

I don't care anymore.

I said "I do"

I gave you that. That part of me. Its gone now. Its done now. You still have it--but its all out of me. And I never want to see you again.

Im done.

But I still believe in you.

Because I said "I do"

Safety crush

Oh yea...

I think the safety crush is flirting back?

But then I say things like "Im listening to a chaos magic podcast because its like the power of positive thought except they summon demons, so more interesting"

And then I walk away. I daren't look behind me at his facial expression because that is some not normal shit that just came out of my mouth.

A couple hours later he asks for help pulling his ropes.

I say ok.

And give no fucks.

Good-ish day

I have a bunch of emails to send after the kiddo goes to bed tomorrow.

My sister is sick as Fuck and Im worried about her...a lot alot.

Its all bullshit and Im not living like this anymore.  Was talking with my dad about safety planning and then I was like, no, Fuck this. Im NOT spending my life this afraid of some asshole. Im not watching my child cry, or crying myself because I still don't fucking get what the hell happened.

Im not.

Fuck everyone

And everything. 

Stopped eating when he left and went down to 130-ish pounds.

Started eating again 2 weeks ago.

And I look like a beached whale.

But Im like "whatever, fuck it".

I bought a journal so I could do whatever.

But its still I my back pack wrapped in plastic.

Trying to explain to her the death of someone still living.

How?
Why?

Mostly the why part

My face and arms are super pointy and my tummy is swollen. Completion is hosed from quitting smoking and menstruation and exhaustion.

But I meditate

Fuck this.

Fuck everyone.

Fuck you.

Oh yea

Dreamed about going to mutual fish company for Izzies shark. It was $64.37 a pound, but $34.67 on sale. It was not on sale so i got 1/2 a pound and wanted them to not include any bones in my weighing.

Try agreed and asked for my library card.

Thinking

Thinking about the link between psychopathy and empathy. Not in the "one feeds off the other" way that most articles talk about--because how does an empath pick up on emotions that legitimately are not there in a psychopath?  Most of it is just finger-pointing and victimhood. There MUST be a similarity between the two for there to be a base attraction.

What about sadists? Are they just empathic masochists?

And where on the spectrum does the line lie between self-reflection and narcissism?

Therapy on Tuesday. I fear that Im going to give the woman the wrong impression of me.

I am so mad at you

Who the fuck asks a woman to babysit on mothers day?

After hosting a Saturday night slumber party?

You clueless asshole.

You better be thankful I have this blog...

Today

Woke up feeling terrible and depressed. 

Convinced I was going to have a bad day.

But then, it wasn't so bad.

I eulogized him.
I read some articles. 
I missed an excellent opportunity to hit on the person I've placed in the "safe crush" zone.

Then I remembered about my intake stuff.

You know, because all those things that happened. 

And I was like

Fuuuuuuuuck. 

Lol.

The guy I normally walk up with walked with another person.

So I concentrated on my breath and not thinking about anything else.

Little. By. Little.

Blah

Im done being made small to accomidate the projections of other peoples shortcomings.

Done. Done. Done.