Dreams

Did good today.
Started thinking about all My dreams again. The things I wanted for Us as a Family.

And I got so happy. And everything seemed like it would be OK.

Izzie would have her tower room, not far from mine. The house would run on a slope, like an anthill, or the Louve, so that when I got old I wouldn't have to wrestle with the stairs.

I had it so mapped out, so perfect. I felt good enough to go into the garden and do some weeding.

And then I thought about you.  How you have my original drawings.  And how much you meant to me. And all of it was a fabrication.

I wished you love. And I wished you happiness. Despite what you did to me, I wished you health.

But there's this hole here that I cannot rectify.

I drew the originals so large because I knew we would need our own spaces. 

I thought sticking by you would make it happen. I really did.

I was so stupid. And that integral part of everything Id built up, the theory and parts are there, but the one I was building it for.

Hes gone. Maybe he was never there. Izzie will grow up, and move away--and ill be in this place that took me years to create. Without the one that inspired it. 

Goddamnit, it was worth it.