Wasted

THIS IS SOOOOO STUPID!!!

Sincerely--

I'm getting sick of not learning what I want to. But the risk atm is still too great to make waves. But honestly, if you're not going to teach me something that's useful--let me go home to my baby. Between this crap and playing the fetch-and-carry at work, I'm about to tear my hair out. 

Friend keeps saying that I should switch programs to the beefier one. And I'd like to--but my nervousness over getting stuck routing cable over-and-over and not really learning anything--and becoming unemployable in the long term--it's something I feel like I'm already experiencing--is a definite concern. 

I'm overwhelmed with just that. Compound it with the divorce, and I'm completely tanked. 

That, by the way--I don't know. I want to run away as hard and as far away as I can.  I'm sick of being horrified and angry and in pain. I don't care anymore and I want it in the past since "never happened" isn't an option.  He asked me and Ms. Baby to lunch and I spent a day having flashbacks and crying fits in a honey bucket.  Definitely a fun thing for me as the only woman on a site. But--Having found people who care about me--and ARE NICE to me--it breaks my fucking heart--and I am ever so grateful. 

Lol--luckily I found the worlds FUNNEST playground on my scheduled "decompression" walk. I fell off things about 3xs, straddled a cannon, and lounged on a dead tree until the mosquitos found me. 

Seriously. 

Seriously. 

Fuck. 

This class needs to stop being such a waste of time. 

Happy Birthdays

I didn't take Miss Baby to see her Dad on his birthday. 

I offered time and it was declined. He is working. 

In a better world, I'd have bundled her up after class and driven by-- cupcakes and appropriately small gift in hand to sing happy birthday. 

In a better world, I wouldn't have to leave my husband because he won't stop being scary crazy/cruel/ect. 

So now, I just feel like a complete asshole. 

Nothing mattered to me regarding birthdays and holidays until she came along--and now, I want to imprint all the excitement and joys of childhood onto her. I want her to celebrate.  I want her to have a family. A happy one. A strong one. 

It's kinda hard to celebrate with a Protection Order.  It's kinda awkward to smile against sullen glares and cold shoulders. It's kinda completely stupid that this is a holiday I'm having a difficult time with. 

I left. I wanted to leave. Desperately. I schemed not once, twice--THREE times to get to the place I am now. I failed alone. I failed in the shelter. Now, I have friends--that are expending more effort than I would have ever asked of anyone. And--I am happy-er. And she sees me happy. And she is happier for it. 

Someday there will be birthdays in the family she belongs to. And we will celebrate. Without complications. Or forced distances/separations. Until then--I guess I'll just feel like a cruel bitch and tell my quiet blog about my first world problems. 

Goddamnit!